benontheblock

Embrace/Escape

As I've got plenty of time on myself and just to distract my mind away from all the noise in my head. I turn to reading once again. It's quite hard to find a good reading that suits my mood right now. Anyway, I picked "The Spell" by Alan Hallinghurst. I like it and today I caught this part in the book which I would like to share with you all and myself. So here it is :

Gordon leant forward - they were knee to knee. "I think the real excitement comes from embracing life as it is, not escaping from it into unsustainable fantasies."

My Best Friend's Confusion

Last Friday, another rainny day, was the first time I came back to Chulalongkorn University in years since I graduated there in 2002. It was commencement on that day but it's not the reason why I came back at all. It's just that I knew I might see many of my old friends from school. and I did see them.

One of my best friends there, she's a girl. She knew me, I knew her. As early life in school was full of everything and nothing but I think I knew her much enough. Time past after we graduated, we hardly see each other, but on the phone for a regular basis of once a month and then faded and faded away. It's not that we were not as close as we were before but it's just that we were busy with our own lives.

Back to the days when I was struggling with getting a job in journalism, it seemed to me like she did not really understand what I was going through. She suggested that I should take whatever was offered. I didn't take her advice. A couple of years later, we found ourself having lunch together just like the old days at Chula but things are a little different. I envied her for being a very bright student and having people around her to offer her assistance in projects. She's really good in school. Not that I want to defeat her. I was happy with her, I AM happy with her.

But things in the old days can't tell where you are heading in the future. A boy confused and lost in life journey has become someone who has a respectable job, so quick that he, himself, couldn't imagine himself 3 years ago. A prospective girl with a bright shinny raods paved with rose petals has become lost and not sure whether to take life actionin what way. The envy is those days had transform itself into admiration and transformed again into emphathy today. I felt sad for her that she could make her mind of what she should do in life. But I just give her advice that it's not wrong to have GOAL in life but once she aims high, she should know in the same time that she should shoot low also.

Road to success might not be cut straight right into your face, there might be some detour as well. It's just the matter of how you make your way up to it. At least that's how I make it to this point today.

There is nothing bad about having a dream, but it's just that you have to realize the reality also. I always tell myself and also told her that too.

The Saddest Thing

"The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone
who used to love you."

--Anonymous

A Series of My Unfortunate Event

As a series of unfortunate events in my life has unfolded and folded itself back again. Now I found myself stuck in the position where I can't say whether I'm happy or not.

Just like what I wanted, Last Saturday went quite plesantly as he and I spent time together happily for the first time. It was so much happy that finally hard work that I've done to get him back is really working. Things really picked up after we came back from shopping at the weekend market. We came back to his place filling his balcony with the newly bought plants. He's really happy with his garden. I was happy to see that he's happy. He's admiring the freshness of the bright red and orange Hibicus, white and tiny fragrant jasmin, shiny Moon Lit Sky and two other water feature plants. I was admiring of him.

The moment was filled with joy and laughter. My hand's in his. I was really happy for the first time after the whole break up thing or what I'd rather call "Trial Seperation". It was one of those moment wheer you wouldn't want it to end. As his friend went for a swim later in late afternoon. He found us in a very good mood as if we were back together. He did even ask that and the answer he got back from him was just a smile and and one simple NO.

We went out that night with a big group of friends to Sirocco where we ended our first romance the first time exactly on my birthday last year. We came back home later. Such a good way towards the end of the weekend, it was the first time again that we cuddled sleeping.

As the mourning came with the thought of that we are going at a slow and steady speed. It's so obvious that my friend even asked if I was back with him. I just didn't say anything but a big smile.

Later in the evening as I came to pick him up at work in Silom. He looked tired by the time when he finished work at 9 PM. I asked if he wanted to dined out just like we used to, he decided to go along. I chose to eat at one of those street food vendors in Silom with same old menu we usaully order and we  ran into another of his friend, accidently, just like when I ran into him THAT Saturday night in DJ's.

When the crack of the dawn came knocking on our tiny window, it meaned that it's time to get up for me but I decided to have the faux-sick call just wanting to spend the morning and early afternoon with him. Guess he didn't get it.

After he left to work at 12, I found myself at (his) home, I turned on his notebook just to watch DVD for killing time. As to wait everything to download properly the I was thinking about the pictures he took on the night out at the Sirocco. To a spur of my surprise, I just found a new picture holder in the My Pictures folder, 2005-07-11 with 3 pictures of a guy in white underwear. I only to find out that those pictures were taked sometimes around 4.30 PM on the past Monday, only few hours before I met him at work. Is it just an admiring gig? A quick fuck? Or just a bad luck on my part where I chose to play in this lose and lose situation. I have to answer this question myself.

The Aftermath : Happiness is a Choice not Reaction

Since the strom past away, the silver lining was shining again. Thanks to everyone support. It's not really sad if I try to look at other people who has to face tougher time in life. I'm so  much better than those. Here is some what his comfort

"We make our own happiness...comes from who we are and how we view our experiences...not from anything other give or take.

Happiness is choice not reaction."

So now I choose to live my life as I am the one who makes my own happiness not the other.