When I check my email today and this is one of my daily mail from astrology.com which said :

Dear ben,
Here is your horoscope
for Tuesday, August 31:

Love is in the air -- and it's of the forever variety. If you're attached, that means you'll be very proud of your choice. If you're not, get dressed. Someone who's actually worthy of your time is out there right now.

Uhmm...not quite sure about that. I think that as my love life ( if there is one ) had hit defcon 5 since last week of August. I think I'm down with love. Sigh...but actually I'm ok with it though. Ehhh..maybe I should forget about this horoscope thing and just get outside and have fun with my little self

But one thing is that I'll be the only one who can make it happen...well, half of it is mine but the other half is his, and if he's not incorporate I think that I wouldn't be able to make it happen after all. Right?

But I'll try my best to make things happen. I breathe deeply and be happy about it.

"Why do we want what we can't have?"

From We Don't Live Here Anymore.

When I first saw this tagline from the movie poster, honestly I was about to cry. As this sentence is more like what I always tell myself. 

As a child growing around straight friends for 20 years, I was somehow so naive when I first came out at the end of my sophomore year in Univ. All of gay people I knew at that time I 'd consider them as "veteran", they are so sophisticated and seem to see things rhrough their eyes of experience. My best friend, Jane, was one among them. So I didn't have to look for the information I need elsewhere. They were thinking that the way I learned from the top could be an easy way to get into a "gay life". Honestly, it was.

But as time past, I felt like I was missing something along the way, well..I mean that thing you do when you were a teenage. I didn't have that at all.

Finally, the whole scene has become so dull and nothing was so exciting anymore coz everything seems to fall faor the same pattern time and time again. So all the time I just feel like I am a child trapped in this young man trying to open the closet of hidden curiosity, to find out what is inside. Mentally and sexually.

Shelf No. 1

One of the first thing I learned was that MEN can speak any words you wanna hear just to get laid. I learned this lesson from the hard way and my head was spinning for almost 2 months until I could grab a strong hold of my life once again.

Shelf No. 2

"SEX" is not equal to "LOVE". Many people mixed up this fact, not only gay men but many straight guys and girls also. There is obvious line that sometimes it is so tranparent that people might neglect to realize that what they are really experience is not what they are thinking it is.

Shelf No.3

When you are already running through shelf no. 1 and shelf no. 2 ,then remember this to your heart : Life goes on, no matter your heart is broken or your mind is bruised.

Ehh...I'd better left the sexual part left unsaid better than to scare some fo my dearest readers. For mentally speaking, there was things I miss like puppy love and all that stuff, I know..I know...but I just want to have that experience not like I want that kind of melodramatic things in life or anything but just that I want to be able to differentiate between the real one and the puppy one.

PS. it's not like I ever know or experience the REAL one ,anyway. sad me isn't it?

PPS. don't get me wrong!!! I'm not depressedly looking for love or anything.

PPPS. thank you for your understanding.

So basically right now I'm searching through every drawers inside my closet and see the new aspect in "life" that I've not known yet and hope to understand it one day.

Oops!...my mom is knocking on my bedroom door I'd better close the closet and pretend that I am sleeping. ZZZ...ZZz...zzz

Ahh...my dear blog. I miss you so much but it's not lik eI hadn't come in and read my post or anything. If you take a look well enough you might have seen that mr. "benontheblock" has become mr. "benbehavingbadly*" already. Nothing so special about this slightly change anyway, except a small conversation with Peter, oops! I just said your name, a couple of week before and he told me that I was innocent when he first met me almost three years ago but now I am changed!!! Well, well, well...don't you think that the badder, the better?

I think that I have change myself pretty much from last year, since I knew Ric a.k.a. mr. Rayong, my dearest american sister. He's halfly entitle to make who I am today. Thanks to you. I think that  it's more fun when you look at thing from differnt perspective that you always look at it. And to me it's like the window to the "new" old world is just open right in front of my eyes.

Just funny when I look back at myself 2-3 years ago, so not sophisticated, well not like I am sophisticated now, you know what I mean. How naive I was, how immature ( stop!!! I know, I know what you think but can you just pretend that you didn't hear me say that, please :-P ) So here is me now, 24 years old, looking at the world as it is from my eyes, still laugh and smile about it. 

One life, LIVE it.

Since July, all of my friends went aboard. Some went for 2-3 weeks, some went for a whole month and some haven't comeback yet. My life has entered the period of not such fun anymore.

As time passed, I began to get used to the idea of having less fun. For example, my dearest friend : Mark, we had so much fun getting together even though we were on the depressive subject, we still laugh about it. Jane, one of my best thai friends, I just came to realization that he's somewhat whom I can talk to without thinking about he would judge me or anything. And Tom, uhmm...mm how could I say, my world has been in the nothing-really-happen-her e mode. I miss riding on his Vespa the most.

Do I have to admit that fun part of my life has depended on my friends? Oh, how depressing!!! I think I should re-engineer my life course and most of all structure of my way of living. Oh Lord help me !!!