The Bearable Heaviness of Not-Being
06.27.04 (9:45 pm) [edit]Isn't it great sometimes when you get something out of losing someone, well maybe not physically but mentally. As I meantioned before that I'm sort of trying to get rid of what is not so necessary in my life and this days everything is numbered but I feel great even though I almost cried but nevermind I'm too ignoring to let thing go so I can grow from within.
Sometimes people just feel so scared when it's th etime to let go, but they never realize what they would get eventually. Today, after things have been unclear ( well, at least from my perspective) for a long time finally the whole situation has come picture perfect where I don't really belong, maybe I don't belong there since the beginning of time. I would cried out loud but those tears belong to whom, to me or ...
[b]Do not expect Love or Life, but never give up Hope.[/b]
Life goes on and the heart that someone feel so afraid that he might break had been broken in pieces long long time ago and life goes on.
I think I have been up and down with this Love word long enough to know how it works, but don't get me wrong I'm no expert!! I'm just a rookie trying to get my way in. I know in my heart that one day I will. One Day.
[b]Life is too short, so don't waste it with unhappiness.[/b]
Actually I'm releived right now and not feel like having a bag of nothing the bag of [i]the bearable heaviness of not being[/i] carry on with me. and yes, life goes on without me.
What Friend Told Me
06.27.04 (8:43 pm) [edit]As the incident of Love-Triangle happened to me once again, so I just need someone that I can talk to and realize what I feel towards this.
After I met my dearest lunch time friend one afternoon and made a confession about this. He knew that it's happened to me before. Funny thing is that I just been in this kind of thing before to realize the end without waiting that long so honestly I just go with the flow now. I think that most of the reason why people like me because that I'm an easy person, well you can imagine that word EASY :p
I told my friend that another of good friend of mine saying that if the new guy I met is occupied I should consider baptism for all those bad luck of me but my lunch time dearest just simplify this other way around. He doesn't see this as bad luck or whatsoever that Thai people think when something unpleasant happened to you again and again, he told me that it's just PATTERN.
People are bound to some sort of pattern again no matter what they are straight or gay. Men divorce their wives and marry new ones who might just exactly what are alike to one they just divorce. Hmmm...
*****
So I talked to my Nordic Flame what my friend told me and to my surprise he said : "[i]So it's confirmation that I am a really nice guy so there are more than one person attracted to me[/i]"
and what did I say back, hehehe, I told him " [i]You are a greedy bastard !!! [/i]:-p "
Life, Love and Hope : An Email to a Long Lost Friend.
06.21.04 (8:54 am) [edit]Dear The Dearest xxxx,
Deeply regret for what happened to your dad and of course to your friend. Life has always been unkind to all of us but to look on th eother side wouldn't you be happy to be alive to feel how much they all mean to you and how much they value to you.
Unhappiness gives you room to grow, inside out.
It's been such a long long time since we emailed each other about what's happening to us. for all the time I thought that thing might go well with you but am really sorry for what happened to you and I truely believe that all your sorrow would fade away soon.
Anyway, my situation right here has nothing much happening besides people prove my theory wrong. Well, I always tell my little self that Bangkok is a lonely city and more than 60% of gay population are singles, so that I shouldn't get worried that I am still permanently single. To my surprise, again and again, since the begining of this year I flied solo to the beach just to get away from chaosity in bangkok and I met this really funny guy, an American professor at my university and we had really good time together just like a guy that I really want to be closer with and, yes, he has a boyfriend already. But after we came back we still see each other well let say almost every other days but there is nothing more than friendship betwen him and me, well that was on his side but for me I just hope that he would feel anything. I was pretty naive, aren't I? Anyway, I got over him and realized that IT's not going to happen in million years or more, so I just felt free of mind. Did I mention to you before that a couple of years before I was in the situation like this one before? Well, I'll recap for you then. I met that guy, Peter on line probably almost 3 years ago while I was still at University and we had great time together and at that time he had a biyfriend already but he lived outside of Bangkok and only came back for the weekend. Yes, I am a bitch and was pretty much happy with the weekdays. With me being naive, I thought that I could steal him, how stupid I was!!! I just couldn't at the end and even though he broke up with his boyfriend a year and a half later he still didn't take me as boyfriend. So that came my solution that if he really want me to be his boyfriend, it won't take long to do that. If he really want to do that he would do it since a year and a half.
And now at the present time when history keeps repeating itself once again. I just met this wonderful norwegian guy only 2 weeks ago, like what always happens, we have such great time together. We laugh, we kiss, ... and yes he has his boyfriend. But the amazing thing happening to me as well, since I came out 5 yeras ago, this was the first time I ever hear the word " LOVE ". And many times in a man's lifetime that LOVE comes in the bad time. I can't expect, you can't expect and we can't expect it to come but once it comes, embrace it with all your heart with all your hope. Just feel it the feeling of love.
Don't expect Life or Love ,but never give up Hope.
On 365gay.com HeadlineNews Today
06.08.04 (8:08 am) [edit]At first I intended to wait a few days and see how things go with this suggestion to Thai Public from someone at Ministry of Culture saying that Thai society should have seen less portrayals of homosexual behavior, as I quoted this from the website:
(Bangkok) Thailand's Culture Ministry wants television stations in the country to reduce portrayals of homosexual behavior, describing it as "sexually deviant,'' the Nation newspaper reports.
It quoted the No. 2 bureaucrat in the ministry, Kla Somtrakul, as saying that some television programs showed blatant homosexual behavior which, if left unchecked, could cross the line of decency.
The ministry has sent a letter requesting television stations not to air ``sexually deviant'' homosexual messages, but the final decision would be left to the stations, the paper said.
``Many parents told me that they are worried that their children would have sexually deviant behavior after viewing such behaviours on TV,'' Kla was quoted as saying.
Television portrayal of gays is usually comic in nature with male actors appearing in women's clothes or effeminate male characters prancing about while waving hands, fluttering eyelashes and talking with exaggerated minced accents.
Well, well, well mister where on earth that kids would want to be like all those sexually deviant just like the portrayal on Thai TV, you should have seen those for yourself. Let's just see what might happen here tomorrow.
Philosophy of Being Happy
06.03.04 (10:43 am) [edit]Friends are not being nice,Parents are not understanding, Crushes are calling all quit. All these ( ehh...maybe more? ) were part of my fear in life just a couple of years ago, they were truly frightening to me. But as time past and I am growing older and less stupid all those things becoming more and more convenient to my department.
It is just myself who can only see and justify that the more I a fear for anything, the more backwards I will be and it's just me who have to live my life not just somebody else, not even friends, parents or love ones. I just live my life on daily basis, try to avoid as many conflicts as possible. I have a very strong peace of mind for at least the last year and a half through my life + career + family crisis. I remember perfectly of my parents reaction towards my decision about my job and I almost lost the very good friend of mine and my romance sucked!!! Just can't imagine which one was the worst but rain has always come and gone. After strong hold to what I believe, the silver lining is not so far away. And as I mentioned before that I am hardly mad at anyone or anything, well maybe I was mad at myself sometimes but that's usual right? I live this life only once and I won't feel sorry for what I did and I won't regret any minutes of that. So my suggestion : One Life, Live It !!!
And is my Philosophy of being Happy.
Cheers !
:D