In The Moonlit Sky... as my heart dies...
03.29.04 (1:14 am) [edit]Look at the moon tonight, there is only half of it showing up in the sky but it can't be any better lighting up the skyline of the city of angel, Bangkok, home of 10 millions lonely people, with his beautiful blue eyes.
As this night gets darker and my heart sinks deeper. I sigh. It's the night the I always dream of, to be with the love one, lying in each other's arms. Nothing could ever better than this one. We have a little picnic on our little balcony under the moonlit sky over looking the chaotic city scene. We have light dinner of sandwiches, wine and chocolate and Ms. Billie Holiday is in the background. It is truely weekend.
As I knew him the first time almost 3 years ago but we were seeing as friends only and that's it. He's the first foreigner that I knew as a friend. He has been a very good friend all along. As I knew him more and more, I'd have to tell myself not to go beyond the border of our friendship because there was nothing to pursue behind that line but impossibily and my sorrow.
Sometime we have to live with someone you might say that you just can't live with but the fact that he's your lover and there shouldn't be anything to sabortage the relationship especially someone you just met. The meeting might lead you into a very long lasting relationships-friendship I'd say. I think that makes me realize the real meaning of "friend" that always stands by all up and down. Friend might be the last one you want to share your happiness with the last but he maybe the first one who turn to you when you are down even though how much the story might hurt him as well but that is what friends are for...
As our friendships grows days after days, months after months and a couple of years passing by. Sometimes it looked like it might die as we were apart but one day it just came back to us again when everything is more comfortable. We just laughed and laughed for the good and bad old days. Unintentionally we looked into each others eyes and smiled like we knew what each of us thinking.
The night has gone by as quick as we don't want it to be. Even though it's getting colder but I feel very warm inside and nothing in my life that I have to worry about, nothing to be afraid of. I already have him like I once wished.
He is mine, I am his.The whole world is mine.
...
Before I become to realize the reality in front of me. I just wake up to see myself in train leaving the city to my own destination where there is no him in my sight anymore. It's just my dream, illusion and imaginaton that I've seen. That sort of thing is never happened. As my heart dies, I'm heading to the place where I'm still loooking for my true love....
Eternal Sunshine of My Spotful Mind
03.25.04 (10:25 pm) [edit]As the [url=http://www.eternalsunshine.co...]Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind[/url] is the movie that my office bought to show here in Thailand hopefully will hit theatres in the end of July. I'm so into this movie.
It's the story of a sad man whose relationships was in deep trouble and his girlfriend got her memory of him erased. It's a traumatizing love affairs. During the procedure of memory erasure, he started to realise and to feel his love for her like it was the first time. He decided to keep her with him in his memory no matter how it was this day.
You can erase someone off your mind.
Getting them out of your heart is another story.
After I first realised that I was gay 4 years ago. I felt so good about myself. I got no pressure from my family, my mom once said to me when I was in high school that she didn't mind if her children were gay or straight, the only thing that matter was that her concern that they would be good persons or not. She said that because she thought that my sister was a lesbian or something.
I think that my life would be different if I didn't meet my friends there at that moment. They were all sophisticated in the gay term. I was totally newbie so to say I made my way to the bangkok gay scene at the top. Those days were very fun, we were the youngest group in the gym,namely the Olympic Club. A couple years later we split up from the broken relationship of my best friend and his BF. Those days were gone eventually.
After that I limit myself to only 2-3 friends having dinner, going out together but everyone had his duty to attain. We got apart finally.
It's quite lonely sometimes when I have to be with myself and no sight of my friends around me like the good ol' day. I stand alone.
Anyway, I think 4 years is not such long period of time. And living in Bangkok the city of Angel is not easy as well. Sex is easy to find. Sometimes I just felt tired of it, you know meaningless sexual experience, nothing wrong for that though.
A couple of days ago, I had a chance to reuinte with my crush from last year. We had a very short moment of whatever it was. He's the first foriegner that I think that is complicated like Thais, no offence, and I don't really know what he's thinking. I haven't seen him since a couple weeks before my birthday. So it's 6 months already. That night I spent time talking to him like an old friend talking about guys that we've met and have a crush on. It was good feeling. It's my personality that I love listenning to people whether they are talking to me teaching to me or giving me their points or something.
And I think that in the same personality that people might think that they have to fill this gap this hole so they can stand on the same level of conversation.
Beside that I think that I'm not a kind of persistant person and I think that I can't change the way people think.I just have nothing got to do with that. It's beyond my reach. If they would feel anything, let them feel it. I can not change the world that we were born yesterday and i can not change anybody's mind as well.
4 years I think that I've seen quite a lot of things good and bad, tops and bottoms oops!!! and if anybody came up to me and ask me if I wanna erase the bad memory of my head, I'd definitely say No. because it made me who I am today and know where I'm heading to.
So here I am at the end of Eternal Sunshine of My spotful Mind.
Have a Great Sunshine Day wherever you are.
ben
dear fans,
03.25.04 (9:45 pm) [edit]Aghhh...it's been a while since my last post. Honestly I got nothing to blog about, well for your information there were many things happened to me but not so sure if it would be appropriate to publish so i decided not to post plus i'm not in the mood.
Anyway, I'm back and I'll try update this blog as often as I could so I can keep up with all of my fansss. Hehehe, don't really know how many are they :-)
Ok. I'll start writing now.
03.07.04 (10:15 pm) [edit]
It's been almost 6 months since my 24th birthday last September. Thing gets weirder and weirder every now and then.
I was one of the kids who always wants his birthdate to be some sort of important day. Anyway, on my 20th birthday, me and 5 of my closest friends at the time , we went out to celebrate my birthday and accidently one of us had a fight with a guy in the restaurant.
Uhh...
On my 21st, My friends at the gym and I went to a nice and cozy restaurant to celebrate my birthday, again, in Silom and my best friend ended up his relationship with his boyfriend on the dining table over a friend of our friends.
Oops...
12 months passing by once again, my 22nd birthday two planes crashed the highest towers in the world, The World Trade Center. Finally my birthday became the world most recognising date on the world calendar.
Ouch...
I was convinceed that I shouldn't have my birthday celebration ever again, so I spent the 23rd one by myself and lots of people dancing the night away at DJ's.
...
A year passing as quick as you can remember all the guys you had hooked up last year. No party or anything this year except nice loads of happy birthdays from good old and new friends. I ended up going to be a monk in less than a month.
...
I was ask this question about a month ago that : Do I believe in love?
...
My answer was Yes, I do believe in love whatever it means and whatever it is. I do believe in it but I don't believe in "long term" relationships. I just wonder if anything can last forever, Love is something I'm curious about.
...
One of my sort of theory is that if somebody starts out seeing another guy without feeling of BF thing, chances are he might never consider another guy as his date whatsoever. I think I'm right.
...
At some point, as my fortune teller told me last year that I'm the person who doesn't believe that I will have someone loving me.
...
It's been almost 6 months since my 24th birthday last September. Thing gets weirder and weirder every now and then.
I was one of the kids who always wants his birthdate to be some sort of important day. Anyway, on my 20th birthday, me and 5 of my closest friends at the time , we went out to celebrate my birthday and accidently one of us had a fight with a guy in the restaurant.
Uhh...
On my 21st, My friends at the gym and I went to a nice and cozy restaurant to celebrate my birthday, again, in Silom and my best friend ended up his relationship with his boyfriend on the dining table over a friend of our friends.
Oops...
12 months passing by once again, my 22nd birthday two planes crashed the highest towers in the world, The World Trade Center. Finally my birthday became the world most recognising date on the world calendar.
Ouch...
I was convinceed that I shouldn't have my birthday celebration ever again, so I spent the 23rd one by myself and lots of people dancing the night away at DJ's.
...
A year passing as quick as you can remember all the guys you had hooked up last year. No party or anything this year except nice loads of happy birthdays from good old and new friends. I ended up going to be a monk in less than a month.
...
I was ask this question about a month ago that : Do I believe in love?
...
My answer was Yes, I do believe in love whatever it means and whatever it is. I do believe in it but I don't believe in "long term" relationships. I just wonder if anything can last forever, Love is something I'm curious about.
...
One of my sort of theory is that if somebody starts out seeing another guy without feeling of BF thing, chances are he might never consider another guy as his date whatsoever. I think I'm right.
...
At some point, as my fortune teller told me last year that I'm the person who doesn't believe that I will have someone loving me.
...